Us women forget how important physical closeness is to men. We forget how intricately interwoven physical intimacy and emotional intimacy is, and that when you say no to your partner’s advances, it’s interpreted as a lack of emotional love. As time goes on and life becomes repetitive and stale, we forget or lose touch with that indescribable “oneness” that you feel with someone when you give them the most intimate part of you.
I often get asked whether I think that husbands are cheating on their wives when they see me. Most recently, it was a friend that I decided to come clean with about my secret double life. Often the husband is the one asking, after admitting that they feel like they are scum; that they consumed by the guilt of what they perceive as infidelity. Me – I don’t necessarily look at it in the same light. It’s a great question, and a complicated one.
Some men have been working on their marriages for years, in and out of the recliner chair of the psychologist or counsellor’s office trying desperately to save their marriage for their wife and kids; trying desperately to save the notion that love does last a lifetime and that they made the right decision in choosing their other half to be there for what they hoped would be ‘til death do we part’. We all want that fairytale happy ending. The unfortunate thing about life, however, is that life changes us. We are not the same people we were last year, five years ago, ten years ago. And sometimes these changes affect our relationships, our ability to relate to people, and ultimately our ability to love someone.
Some men spend years trying to fix their relationship to no avail, but decide to keep themselves locked in their deep unhappiness for their children’s sake. This is how World War III Home Edition begins. Ask any child from a divorce family and they will unequivocally say that divorce is better than being stuck in the middle of the fights.
I understand why these men do this though; half the problem is that men don’t want to actually bring up this conversation for fear that their wife will lose their shit. Take a deep breath ladies…. He is being honest. Many women don’t see this conversation coming; at times we all ignore the things around us in a desperate bid to pretend it’s not really there. But sometimes all it takes is a shock of honesty to realise how bad the problem is.
To prove my point I will tell you a story. At my old establishment, a wife called up one day. She had tracked the discreet business name to the brothel via the address registered with the government. She was hysterical. It was her fault. It was his fault. How could he. He didn’t love her. She didn’t love him. Over the next few hours, between business, the manager patiently explained to her the lay of the land of marriage. She explained that sometimes men don’t know how to ask for certain sexual fantasies from their wife. She explained that he had a particular fetish that he probably felt too uncomfortable bringing up with her because he placed her on a pedestal; the mother of his children, the love of his life. He idolised her. And he was too embarrassed to be judged for his deepest desire by the person he cared about the most.
Two weeks later the wife called back and thanked the manager. She said that the husband had been too ashamed to ask her if she would indulge him. Their sex life had improved, their relationship was stronger and more intimate and exploratory than ever, all because a conversation was had about what they wanted physically. In the end his ‘infidelity’ did not cost his marriage, but rather saved it.
On the flip side, in some heartbreaking circumstances, I am seen by a man because his wife is sick. Over time I have seen men of all ages whose wives are hospitalised with dementia; dying of cancer; women with syndromes that make sex excruciating…. This is a reality for many couples. The gent just wants closeness and the one person that they adore and want to be close to is unable to, or is slipping away from them. These men don’t deserve judgment; they sadly place enough judgment on themselves that they don’t need it from anyone else. They are broken, empty and lonely, and at the end of the day they just want a hug and a person to talk to.
And finally, sometimes the wife KNOWS.
I met one of my regulars, who I’ll call K, many months ago now. His story starts as simply as many of my clients’ stories start…. He had an insane sex drive, whereas his wife had none. For most couples, this is as far as the story would go. They would forever live out their lives bitter and resentful to each other, or end things later down the line in a battle to the financial death with lawyers as their sidekicks.
K decided the route of honesty, and the result is that his wife allows him to see me once or twice a week. She helped to choose me from the internet. She must approve of him seeing me before any booking is organised. He must only see me, no other girls allowed. She is even sometimes home when I see him. Being shy, she avoids emerging to say hi to me although K is sure that one day she will feel comfortable enough to meet me in person, as she did with the girl that they saw for 4 years prior to me. Eventually she may even join in with us as just the thought of him being with another woman drives her wild. In short, I energise their sex life.
I don’t blame her for hiding and to be honest, I am shitting myself about meeting her too. After seeing the total and utter, all consuming love and devotion in his eyes when K tells me stories of her, I have now equated her in my mind to this holy dark haired angel that I know is often there somewhere, in some corner of their huge house, smiling on and feeling that rush of desire for her husband entwined with me a few rooms away. It’s a big adrenaline rush. It’s a very unusual relationship. But it works for them.
So here is what I think – for the men who are bored and have not remotely attempted to reconcile their problems; the men who are just looking for another quick fuck because they can’t be bothered talking to their wife about why they feel the need to stray; who want to stray just because they can; the men who have a wife that gives them the world but yet they want the universe – yes, to be honest I often think cheater. For the men who have tried it all to fix it, who don’t have the option of intimacy with their wife or are fearful of the consequences of a conversation about their desires… the men who genuinely care but feel exhausted of options…no, I don’t consider it cheating. But I do think if you haven’t mentioned anything from fear then you need to man the fuck up and tell her what you want. Come on fellas, grow a pair.
At the end of the day there are many stories, and many circumstances, and I think that unless you have walked in someone’s shoes, you cannot judge them for anything. Who knows if I’ll find someone to grow old with… my back up plan is likely to be the neighbourhood’s kookiest, craziest dog lady. I plan to slap young men on the ass with my cane and wear my pants to my ears just ‘cause I can. I’m a firm believer that life is what you make of it though. I don’t feel like I need someone else in my life. If I do find someone that makes everything that much sweeter, however, then I hope that I can tell them anything. Marriage to me is all about communication. So do your marriage a favour – speak up. Either it will end it or make it more spectacular, but at least either way you will know you’ve given it all and not held anything back.