He was lean, 24 years young, with a beautiful smile. He was cute, he made me laugh, he could hold a conversation and he brought me scotch. He was respectful, successful… and a virgin.
I met S on Wednesday night for the first time. Sitting here thinking about him again, I still can’t believe that he had never really dated anyone, unless you count a visit to the library as a date. In fact, before Wednesday S had never even kissed a girl. But boy is S is a catch. S is that person who would sneak to your house in the middle of the night and leave a really romantically cheesy present for you (yes there’s a killer story here but it would remove his anonymity). S would make an incredible partner for someone. But S, like many men out there, had trouble reading the signs from women that told him that they were interested. When the girl that he used to ‘library date’ got in touch with him years later, conversation turned to generic ‘friend-zone’ talk, the opportunity was missed, and the relationship became the equivalent of the next day bottle of champagne that you desperately hope will still fizz but the fizz is forever gone.
More than that, the fear of putting himself out there socially and the fear of rejection meant that he would avoid social situations, only waiting until all of his friends were free before he would venture into the great unknown of BNL…“Brisbane Night Life”. The great abyss where dreams are made or broken… where you might find yourself sweating bullets talking to a pretty lady only to have her run away with the drink that you carefully chose for her. A kind of sadistic Disney story where Cinderella turns to the Prince and says, “oh, there’s my shoe – gimme gimme now” before legging it into the arms of Pinocchio.
I went along with it because I felt like I should, but it wasn’t fun – it was robotic, and clumsy, and kind of painful – but I guess it always is when you’re pounded by a large horny jack rabbit.
I can talk – I of all people can understand how you can go your whole life without having someone else there. Other than first dates, second dates and a couple of accidental one night stands, I had never dated anyone and still have never dated anyone officially. When I was younger I was chubby and socially awkward, also often missing the vital social cues that people would send my way. I was often either clueless to advances or was a socially inappropriate geek. I never hit my confident stride until I became a sex worker, and now life is in the road and I am too busy for another special someone unless it has 4 legs.
Anyway, back to S. Normally I don’t tell stories of what happens with clients but it is the entire reason why I’m blogging, so today I will share.
He arrived with an early birthday present, we sat on the balcony and drank champagne. S finally had his first kiss. His nerves brought back long ago memories of my own first kiss… I was surprised at how hard nostalgia kicked me in the stomach. Being so long ago, it’s so easy to forget what it’s like to blindly bumble your way through your first intimate encounters. I was mildly jealous…. His first kiss was way better than mine. I vaguely remember practically choking on a tongue shoved halfway down my throat while I was groped as if the boy had fallen overboard and I was the life raft. S, on the other hand, was gentle, soft and kept his tongue to himself.
It’s been a while since I met someone more light weight with champagne than me, so we went hunting for food. After we got back, I took him to the bedroom. And here, although we had fun…. S’s body did not want to cooperate. Don’t get me wrong, we had an awesome time, but we just couldn’t get to the point of having sex.
S’s email to me this morning described perfectly how I think the majority of us felt with our first sexual experience…
You were awesome. I feel terrible that, considering all the effort that you put in, I just sort of lay there clueless and uncooperative, like a shitty, backward-eyed, broken-kissing robot. Everything you did was 10/10 hot – my favourite moment was watching you cum with Patty (my purple electric rabbit). I was a little confused that I was effectively numb to everything in the bed. I could feel, see, and taste it all, but I was overwhelmed by other unfamiliar feelings.
It’s hard to explain exactly what’s going on in my head, but I was experiencing a lot of new, weird stuff; stuff that I usually block out or avoid all together. The first kiss, our undies coming off and even touching each other sparked this weird vulnerability that I wanted to embrace, as it was so foreign and It was definitely making me nervous too. My mind was constantly trying to figure out how to do everything ‘right’ while under sensory overload, even though you told me to stop thinking; I couldn’t. I was a little embarrassed about my body hair too. I’m not sure if it was wine or exhaustion from work that put me on the brink of sleep. When we got naked, I was happy to forget and give up on sex and lie down with you. But I thought I’d let you keep doing your thing – I probably should’ve said something at this point.
I thought that this evening wasn’t going to be too special, but it was exactly what I hoped for. You completely blew me away with how easy it was to talk to you. We had fun conversations that felt genuine, not forced. The walk to the chip place made me feel way more comfortable, I can’t believe I almost turned it down! Another thing I really liked was your guidance and your dominance. It relieved lot of pressure, knowing that you had everything under control. Your dedication to hygiene was really welcome, I almost fucked up once or twice but you paid attention to all of that. You were really patient, even I was getting frustrated with myself, so I can’t imagine what was going through your mind.
I realise, after all of this, I’m missing out on a lot in life and I’m going to get out more. Without meeting up with you, I wouldn’t know, or be able to comprehend, the awesomeness of intimacy.
Sorry for the paragraphs of cheesiness, cliches and excuses for not getting it up. I’ll leave a review on the site when I get a chance but I wanted to tell you personally that I’m glad I did this with you. I’d still like to meet again to tie up some loose ends 😉 I’ll need to make sure I’m not completely exhausted from work next time.
All in all, you are brilliant at what you do. Thank you!
This email touched me. He described to the tee I think everyone’s first time being intimate with someone.
I totally identify with his email. Actually, at least S still had an incredible time…my first time was at schoolies after my friends purposefully ran off and left me with their friend. I wanted to find my friends, he said they might be back at their hotel, I naively agreed. We went upstairs, he advanced, and I just went kind of numb. I went along with it because I felt like I should, but it wasn’t fun – it was robotic, and clumsy, and kind of painful – but I guess it always is when you’re pounded by a large horny jack rabbit. I couldn’t take a shower for 3 days without shooting pain. The last word I would use to describe it is intimate. At least S had romance, intimacy and laughter. I felt honoured that I will forever be his first kiss and the first girl he lay naked with. But S later asked me a question that got me thinking hard. He said, “Do you think this counts as losing my virginity?”
This one I had to think on for a long time. Virginity is traditionally the act of sex…. That’s the way I thought I had lost my virginity, and this was S’s expectations. I had an epiphany however, while pondering the great all powerful “V”, and replied with this….
Everyone is exactly the same being intimate the first time, don’t put that pressure on yourself! You’re not going to be James Bond the first time you’re intimate with someone, you aren’t going to know what to do or where to touch, I know I didn’t! It just takes time to find yourself… Sexual identity is very different to personal identity and it takes time to find out who you are in bed. The fact that you did so well despite the fact that you hadn’t even kissed someone before is something to honestly be proud of. You weren’t robotic I don’t think…. You just weren’t sure what to do and that will come with time and practice 😉 That vulnerability you felt you will grow to love but it is a unique feeling that never really goes away, because Sex is total exposure to another person physically and emotionally. It helps you find a part of yourself you didn’t even know existed. This is why when you asked me if you thought this counted as losing your virginity I said yes…. Because I think virginity involves getting into that vulnerable place with another person and being intimate, as well as sex. It’s about all of that mix pot of emotions that you described so eloquently, it’s very overwhelming and it’s a big deal to expose yourself to all of that, and you can feel all of that without having Sex. So don’t feel defeated by it, get determined to try again…and again…and again…;)
Always here for round two,
Sex is a physical action. The emotions that come of that first time are there regardless of whether you are having sex or whether you are cuddling naked. If you get naked with someone and do everything but sex, are you still a virgin? Or is virginity just a description of innocence and naivety? To me, losing your virginity is the moment that you strip everything off in front of another person and totally expose your soul. You’re naked physically and naked emotionally. The bedroom is where people’s fetishes rise to the surface, where fantasties become a reality, and where life long connections may eventually be formed. When things are denied in the bedroom, this is often the point where relationships break down – because denial of a person in this vulnerable state is denial of their entire identity. Just because you don’t put a dick in a hole doesn’t mean to me that you haven’t had that sexual exposure that makes you no longer a virgin… any kind of intimacy changes you.
So yes S, I think you did awesome. Although you may not have totally lost your V plates, the sex will come with time. You conquered the hardest part of it. Thankyou for bringing back my memories of my first times, and for helping me to look back at them with fondness not cringes.
She’s just around the corner for you.